So I have something to confess:
I have a bad habit.
I either have so many vibrant and exciting ideas... Or zilch.
I'll take an idea and become super excited about it. And I'll promote it. Outline it. Start writing. Then I seem to become discouraged in a big way.
I'll realize that:
1. I don't love the idea.
2. Something of this sort has already been done.
3. I don't commit.
4. I lose interest.
And that's the cycle.
I'll slowly forget that idea and jump to another one... Or I'll be empty handed.
I've completed first drafts before; so it's not a matter of not being able to finish. I actually have many 1st drafts just sitting there. It's beginning to look like a draft graveyard.
There was one idea I was beyond excited about. This was everything to me. The flow hit me harder than a ton of bricks and I wrote... Wrote for days. Then life happens. I kept trying to find time to write it, but couldn't. Why? Because I also had to write a thesis for my Master's Degree. It wasn't me being lazy. I had to stick with priorities first. Luckily, I had NaNoWriMo that helped me piece it together. Then life and teaching happened and after all that hard work I put it away. And I mean I really put it away. It had been 2 years (seriously where does the time go).
I returned to it a few years later and that drive, the heart of it all, was no longer a leading force behind it. And once again, I put it away. I wrote that story during a time of despair and healing. And I cannot lie that it reminds me of hard times.
I wanted something fresh.
Unfortunately, that excitement I felt for that idea, hasn't come to me again.
I've always thought I was creative but I'm letting insecurities cloud my judgement. My creativity never cared what others thought. It was a time I could be, well, just me. And over time insecurities really clouded my life. I started coming up with the notion that I was now too old to write a novel, I couldn't come up with a fresh new original idea, or that I wasn't good enough. My writing seemed to become dry and well... Quite frankly, boring. I know a first draft is pretty awful, but I was now critiquing and criticizing every line.
They say reading helps writers. I completely agree. Yet, I have found the more o read these stories by wonderful talented authors, I become more down on myself.... It's a curse.
I want to be excited against I want to stick with an idea till the end.
Writing has always been my passion. I don't want to abandon the idea now because I may fail. We should write because we love to. Maybe I should stop thinking about being published and editing and finding agents and just write. Write for me.
My students encourage me all the time. I'm a kindergarten teacher and I love storytelling. I made up a story the other day and honestly they were enthralled by it. I didn't finish it because it was the end of the year and one little girl came to the school a week later and the first thing she said to me was, "You have to finish the story, Miss Jess! I would buy it." It was so sweet and yet encouraging as well. She believed in me. Another parent said, "My child says you make up the best stories." That's two-for-two. It gave my strength. I may not finish the story I told in class, maybe just a short story fairytale, but I do think of myself as a creative writer. Is a part of who I am. Maybe we all go through this.
But I know I can be more.
As if this wasn't already a wake up call, I saw this quote today by someone I admire:
I think if I let go the fears I have, the others of this cycle may break. And maybe then, just then, THE IDEA will come to me.
Thanks for listening to my ranting. If you have any feedback, please leave a comment below.
Thank you and happy writing!